Three years ago, Adam and I crafted a new plan. We were about to adopt three kids and we were expecting a baby in a few months. I looked at our investments, our rental income and his military pension and said, “It’s good enough.” Now work was optional. I didn’t know what the next year would hold. But he put in his notice at work and we planned a year-long mini-retirement to figure it out.
How Do You Win?
You know that feeling at the end of a great day, amazing weekend, a perfect day at work or good vacation? It’s this sense of deep satisfaction and contentment. It’s fulfilling and happy.
One of my goals with this mini-retirement was to test those days, weekends, work and vacations. See if I could figure out what the formula was that created those for me. What elements of my habits, activities, relationships, and schedule added to that sense of fulfillment and what things took away from it.
Ping Deep Motivations
One of the exercises I do with people I mentor is helping identify deep motivations. When we have a goal, what are the deeper motivations for that goal?
If you can recognize those deep motivations, you can make sure your daily life hit those motivations. Failure to figure that out is the source of the midlife crisis. When you follow a plan for a few decades that you think will bring you meaning, and contentment only to figure out once you “arrive” that the outcome you were shooting for doesn’t ping any of those deep motivations. Without those deep motivations being pinged, people are left adrift, bored, apathetic, overwhelmed, tired, and eventually hopeless.
Arriving at your goal and not getting any of the joy you were anticipating is a confusing and disillusioning outcome.
The more our daily behavior pings these deep motivations the happier and more fulfilled we are.
I used the term “work optional” when we left, but “retired” never set quite right. Simply because we like doing things. I like doing things that ping those deep motivations and I didn’t want to paint myself into a corner with narrow terms.
My goal was never to stop. People often assume retirement means quitting something, leaving or stopping. While we did leave our old 9-5 jobs, it wasn’t for leaving’s sake. We left to start something. We left to give space for new things to grow. I didn’t really know what that would be when we started.
But it was time for a new phase.
I wanted to create a life I would never want to retire from.
Something that was such a perfect fit that I would call it my best life ever.
There would be 4 basic characteristics to this life I would never retire from:
- It gives me my most ideal lifestyle
- It’s let’s me “win” in my pillars of meaning
- It pings my deep motivations and values
- It’s fun, restful, and challenging
We started with the mentoring questions to gain a rough idea. Then we really started testing and scaling up those theories. Was this daily schedule our ideal day? How did we like traveling for 2 weeks, 6 weeks, 10 weeks? Look at things I want to Be, Have, Do. Do I want to “be” these things? How much fulfillment do we really get from “doing” things? Which things seemed like a good idea, but didn’t really work?
Over the last three years, we have been testing, taking notes, pivoting, and scaling up those things that really worked.
No More Life Delayed
Of course, life changes. I surely hope I change and grow. And this life I never want to retire from will change with it.
But it’s not life delayed. I’m not grinding through today to get to a “better” day at some point. I’m actively trying to make today the “good old days.” I want THIS week to be the one I reminisce about in old age because I was “living the dream.”
Money is part of the equation. But it’s not the whole story.
If you think, “If I just had more money, bigger investments, more passive income, this life I would never retire from would all fall in place.” Maybe. But most likely not.
Nothing has “fallen into place” for me. My best life ever is something I’m building each day. I’m crafting and working towards it. We are almost three years into this process! While I feel that I’ve made great strides, I’m far from done.
It’s easy to say, “I’d love to start working out when I retire and be in the best shape of my life.” That was one of my goals and I started putting real effort into that 2 years ago. It didn’t magically fall into place even with a lot of effort on my part.
So last year I hired a trainer. Trainer Nate. I’ve endured his creative and horrible workouts for a year now. I’m closer to my best shape ever. But nothing has been easy about this. And I’m not done! What the heck! Now I shake my head because I might have another year or two ahead of me to really find my peak fitness.
Then the really cruel joke starts. I’m still not done. I’m going have to work my butt off to stay in my best shape.
More money will solve some of your problems. And it will enable you to find new problems. Like Trainer Nate. Nate is my new problem. A twice a week, 60 minutes of smiles and giggles kind of problem (Ok, it’s really sweat and exhaustion).
Build Your Best Life with Passive + Passion Income
I would love to say: Once you hit financial independence, everything magically gets better and falls into place. Your marriage is awesome, your kids listen, you pick up a meaningful side income, you lose 20lbs, you have fun getaways with lifelong best friends and your house is never dirty.
Financial freedom makes your best life possible, but it doesn’t make it happen.
You make those things happen. And they all require hard work and intention.
Build up your passive income.
Build up some passion income.
But make sure you are building your best life. There is no prize handed to you at the end of the road to financial independence.
You hit financial independence and there is just a big pile of lumber, sheetrock and cement waiting for you.
Now you get to finish custom building your life.
Custom Built Life
You can’t buy your best life off the shelf and expect it to fit perfectly. You can’t follow someone else’s plan and get something custom. You can’t outsource the work. (Even if you need help like I need Trainer Nate. But trust me, I am the one doing the work in the gym. He’s just smiling and counting as he doles out the next workout.)
Hopefully, you have started custom building your best life long before you hit financial independence. Because crossing that “finish” line is really the start. Now you get to fully build out a life you would never retire from because it’s such a perfect fit to everything that matters to you.
we’re at a wilderness cabin this whole week testing to find if this remote lifestyle would be for us. we could certainly “afford” to stop working and fund a life like this, probably in perpetuity as it’s pretty inexpensive. the immediate conclusion is that it’s too remote for our tastes. something in between our medium sized city life at home and this place in the sticks is likely just right. my big goal is to find a convenient social circle with others who have lots of the same free time and aren’t stuck at work. we won’t stop working just to stop, as you point out. it’s been illuminating thinking in these terms that you describe better than me, jillian. nice article.
That’s great! It’s always best to test our ideas out before making a big jump. Test and scale. =)
I totally agree! This mindset is what sparked us to rethink “retiring” and make more of a Lifestyle Change about 4 years ago. Here it is 4 years later and I’m 2 months away from really quitting work and Mrs. SSC is starting her new tenure track position that she wants to do for another 8-10 years or maybe longer, who knows? The main thing is that like you we realized the life we created for ourself wasn’t the one we wanted so we did something about it.
We started asking what would our ideal life look like? Where would we want to live? Would we want jobs and if so, what would they be if we had free reign to choose. While we didn’t get to pick the locale per se, I’m loving where we are in OK. It’s hilly, has 4 seasons, and a lot of really nice people. PLUS, we’re not in one of the top 5 largest cities in the US and I’m loving the small town life! I’m not sure what I’ll do beyond volunteering at the kids school and some OK Geologic Survey education outreach, but my time is mine mostly. Being a stay at home parent is going to eat into it, but yeah like you, we’ve created a life we don’t want to retire from and are enjoying our Lifestyle Change.
You guys have done SUCH a good job being intentional about building your best life and slowly getting closer and closer each day!
I really enjoyed this post and your thoughts about finding those things that contribute to the life you want to lead. Even before I hit FIRE I began to take several steps towards creating the life I wanted to live. This included the practice of eliminating things from my life that were causing stress or discontent. Obviously, you can’t eliminate everything, but I was able to get rid of a terrible commute, stop working so many hours, and quit spending time with “friends” who didn’t give me much back. These few changes had a significant impact on my life and overall happiness!
This is exactly what my husband and I are working on now too.
For example he would one day love to work from home, but his current position doesn’t allow it. Despite that he figured out there’s a couple days a month when certain things are due and he’s actually more productive working on them from home. Boom, tiny bit closer to idea life, and a good test for the future.
You can’t delay life!
“This included the practice of eliminating things from my life that were causing stress or discontent.”
I started doing this a couple years ago… I feel like the more I engage in this community, not only do I find like minded people..but I feel like I was working towards this lifestyle before I even knew it existed.
The thing now, is I’ve eliminated just about everything including all my friends… but with a different vantage point, I find the selections slim in who I want to be a part of my life…
Finding real community and friends in the online space is one of the most amazing parts of blogging.
That is awesome! And such a good exercise. When I mentor people, we often have to be mindful of switching from “survive mode” to “thrive mode”. It can be SO easy to get stuck in surviving, pushing through, and suffering. While it’s helpful at times, we weren’t made to live that for long periods of time. It’s great for surviving a hard winter, hiking out of mountains after being attacked by a bear, but not longer-term life planning.
Beautiful words and thoughts! I especially love the part that you don’t get a prize for reaching FI and that it’s just the start. This line really got me: You hit financial independence and there is just a big pile of lumber, sheetrock and cement waiting for you. Having the resources to build your customized life is super exciting, but also scary. I have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn’t built in a day and small changes really add up over time. My grandma always said the joy is in the journey. The longer I live the more that sentiment rings true!
It’s is scary and takes time! There is honestly a learning curve and it’s better to start early.
This is something I’ve been thinking about as retirement is starting to get closer – but without all the exercise!
I agree that it’s something that needs to be intentional; imagine how awful it would be to say goodbye to everyone at work and end up wishing you were back?!?
That is honestly a lot of people’s fear. And if the concern is strong enough and they don’t create a plan to solve for it, they will just avoid making the jump. Or they start job hunting 6-12 months later when the novelty of sleeping in has worn off (and it does wear off!)
I love your few lines of: “Financial freedom makes your best life possible, but it doesn’t make it happen. You make those things happen. And they all require hard work and intention.” Of everything I’ve seen the most dialogue on in the FIRE community, the topic of “retiring to vs retiring from” comes up probably the most. I think it’s something a lot of us struggle with, including me and is probably the biggest concern I have after I eventually hit FIRE. When I no longer have the excuse of working towards FIRE, what will I do with the opportunity it provided me and should I start shifting those things into my life now? Reaching FIRE obviously has huge benefits, but also scary truths as it eliminates the biggest excuse people have for not being their best self.
FIRE does bring people face to face with the challenges they were blaming on being too busy. Often I see people feel nervous about the whole thing, so they simply push their FIRE number up to avoid dealing with the source of the hesitation. They will call it “being more cautious” but often it’s procrastination of the uncomfortable change in front of them. 2-3 years seems to be the most popular procrastination number. =)
Really enjoyed this post. I like how you methodically break down the steps to achieve financial freedom and then create your dream life. The whole process can seem so far away and overwhelming, but once you break it down into smaller steps it makes it so much more achievable. Also, important to note that you never reach a destination but need to be constantly crafting your dream life. Looking forward to more posts like this!
Yeah, there is no finish line. Even when we “arrive” it takes work to maintain, just like my fitness.
Love this post Jillian! Life can only be enjoyed living it – so once a finish line/ goal has been reached, you’ve got to know where to head/ what to do to next with your life. In order to live in the present and enjoy, financial independence serves as the big enabler, but anyone reaching that point has to/ should figure out what to do next at that moment. Adjust your compass, set sail and discover new shores! Explore, dream, discover!!!
Thanks! It’s always better to slowly starting living your best life so that FI just expands that, not starts it from scratch.
“Arriving at your goal and not getting any of the joy you were anticipating is a confusing and disillusioning outcome.”
Truer words were never said! For me at the point, you start to question if you even did any work to arrive at this destination…you start to think, would I have gotten here anyway….
I loved everything about this post. It speaks to where I am right now. It’s just nice when you can hear someone echo and verbalize your thoughts. It stops them from circling in your brain and being unsettled. I think what you said about not waiting until some x point in your future to start your life is where I am now. I realized my budget now is very similar to what it would be when I reach financial independence. So then I had to pause and think, what is it can I do to make my life what I want it to be now. I’m looking for more life-shares like this. I’ve gotten my fill on the numerous tips on budgeting and frugality as that was never my primary source of my problem.
You’ve given me some things to think about!
I’m so glad it helped! It’s part of the reason I write. I have so many great conversations with people I mentor or other people in the FIRE space, I love to share those collective experiences.
Well-said.
I used to be all about FIRE. Now I reached FI and work part-time. It is more about making a great life now. I love my job more now that it is optional.
For sure! I think as you find the “perfect mix” it’s great to get there as soon as possible. For a lot of people that means a bit of traditional work.
It’s really great to see that this can be done with a large family. Your story has been an inspiration for us as we continue our journey to a work optional lifestyle with 8 kids in tow.
That’s awesome! We get a lot of looks with 5, but I bet you get twice as many with 8. =)
I appreciate the “magically better” comments! So often we blame all our problems on working too much or being too busy but really the problems are much more than that. I also struggle with finding meaning in my life without work as that was my identity.
It’s not an easy transition. It takes time to find things that really ping the deep motivations and are meaningful. Keep up the good work!